Alright then.

It's been months and months and months since I've written here. Alot has changed, some things haven't. I don't feel like re-capping everything though. Only the recent things.

Last night was okay. I enjoy the bar hopping evenings with Jess, Casey, Camber, Nathan, (and now David), but sometimes I'm still left wanting something more then a slight buzz and bar food. It's not the fault of my friends. They're all great, I've enjoyed getting to know them better. I must just be incredibly difficult to please. Or get bored really easily. I don't pretend to know what the answer is. But it was a night not spent alone or sad, so I guess that's good.

I was actually kind of grateful for some time alone today, though. It was my first day off since Thanksgiving..and I guess people can wear me out in large doses. I think I've just needed some extra time to think about what's to come. Or what should be coming. I'm fairly sure I know what I want to happen, I just don't know how to go about getting there. But I will, and that's the important part.

Hmm. What else.
Adam is a DOUCHE. Predictably so.
I have very little money.
I want way too much for Chirstmas. =/
I really want to actually start painting more again.
I'm going to Utah for Christmas again.
I'm addicted to that store Lush.
Our house is actually starting to look cute.
I'm wondering how long just working at Starbucks is going to cut it before I become really bored.

Maybe there's more, but that's all I felt like saying.

Done with

Mediocrity.

Worn out spaces

I don't know why I don't write here much any more. I think I only come back when I'm feeling generally directionless or concerned (and low and behold, it's one of those days).

I know right now, I'm kind of doing what some would consider to be a bad thing. That being- living for myself, my pleasure, my needs.. and not much else. Living selfishly. I know there are favors I still need to repay for my dad, I know I should call my grandma more often, I know I owe Nathan money.. but still I continue to live for basically just me. I don't know if it's because I think I deserve to live like this, or if I'm just too lazy to start helping out more and taking more responsibility for things. I'm obviously concerned about it, but will that change anything? I don't really know.

Maybe the saddest part is that I still don't really feel all that great. I feel like I life a half-assed life. I am passionate about some things, but not enough to really make myself go, "Wow Amanda, way to live up to your potential. High five. To yourself,". I always compile little lists of all the things I aspire to do, but they end up being written records of disappointment. How exactly does one remedy this? You'd think it would be an easy pattern to rid yourself of, but it really isn't.
Fucking apathy.

Big girl desicions with a little girl brain.

Right now, it would be unwise to try and force me into any particular direction. I promise you, you will push me away.

I just want to be, and have that be okay.
But apparently, it already isn't.


If someone truly loves you for who you are, then it's expected that it might be difficult for that someone to learn that you are changing. But shouldn't they still love you, regardless of if you are exactly what they expected you to be?
Maybe that's just a nice thought, and not much else.

I'm a good person, I swear

I just do stupid shit sometimes. :(

And she saw that they were the color of opals, moss, and drool

Don't ask.


The past few entries have been pretty happy and/or lighthearted. This one is irritable. I seem to be in a state of personal limbo. I either don't know exactly what I want out of life, or I don't know how to get it. And seeing that I don't know which of those is the truth of the matter, I'm a bit frustrated. I seem to have no sense of direction, and yet I want to go in every direction.

I want to have that fun, chaotic Seattle lifestyle.. filled with mishaps and hilarity and friends. I want tattoos and art and coffee and music, in no particular order. I don't want to be sitting here at night, listening to Nathan type away.. not wanting any of these same things.

But then again, I probably just want too much. =/

Whyyy

I downed that coffee way too fast, and now I'm all shaky and icky.

HATE THAT.

Whoo.

I should probably feel like crap right now, but it's a beautiful day to be hung over.

The party at Jessie's was SO much fun.. and I can actually remember most of it, so that's a good sign.


Tom foolery aside, I can safely say I know there are some big changes on the horizon for me. I know this will come outwardly because I can already feel them inwardly. I know I'm the same basic person. I'm not afraid of turning into someone new.. or at least, I know it won't happen. But I am becoming increasingly ready to embrace more then I already am. This sounds vague, I know. But to write it down is helping me understand it a little better.


Time for to be workingz.

Foggy blanket of awesome

Gloomy day! I love it.. it's perfect out. Slightly rainy, not too cold. Perfect.

I have this complex of always wanting to make things on days I have to work. It drives me insane. I need to better schedule my creative outlet time. Or this pattern will continually make me want to throw things.

I don't mind working, I just want to to be making.


Also, I once again give up on long hair.. time to go whack it off before work.

Lazy summer days

I haven't had a lot to say here lately.

Some things I like to just keep in my head, I guess. Or at least between a very select amount of close friends.

This week has been a very.. hedonistic experience. Aside from work, I've basically just been as lazy and self-fulfilling as possible. And if I -should- feel guilty about it, I totally don't. I feel like lately, I've actually been acting my age. Not trying to be anything more mature or different then what I actually am. It's kind of nice. Probably temporary, but still an enjoyable experience.



I just had two days off, so now it's time to go back to work. Being out of school means not having a whole lot of set goals. But that's okay too.. I look forward to seeing what life is going to throw at me while I'm a little more relaxed. I think more opportunities happen this way then people realize.

:D

Well, this week is going REALLY REALLY GOOD.

That's all that needs to be said.

Happy finals

I'm already done with this week, and it's only been a few hours. Once my neck gets better (AGAIN) I'm sure it won't seem so bad. I don't even know how I possibly could have injured it this time, but it hurts like hell and when I walk I look like there's something mentally wrong with me.
I don't want to do any more finals, I don't want to clean the damn house, I don't want to go to work and have that fat cow boss me around. I want to do something for ME. I mean, I guess I am doing all of these things for me. But none of them make me particularly happy right now.


This weekend at Pike I went into this coffee shop that brings in new art by local people every month. I want to have paintings to hang in there.. that would be so great! But the paintings in there currently are a few notches above my skill level. And it's not like I time to do any damn art right now anyways.

At least last night was kind of peaceful. We watched the latter end of that movie Enchanted. It's dorky but it always lifts my spirits a little.

Okay, time to clean.. :(

It's okay to fall alittle

If you're already planning how to get back up before you hit the ground.

Organization

is the theme of today.

Place it all into little corresponding groups, clean it up, put it in places that make sense, and keep it that way.

Why is this so difficult for people to do?

Up!

Sometimes I think life sends you little divine gifts that you were meant to see at a specific point in time. I guess for me, as corny as it might seem, Up! was one of those little gifts.
I'd expect nothing less of a Pixar movie, but the underlying theme is something that gets overlooked a lot these days (I'm guilty of it all the time), so I'm glad it was addressed. I won't spoil anything, but it's definitely worth a watch. Your heart will thank you.

This weekend has been really good. Seeing the movie with a group of friends, a nice dinner with dad, Tara, Lexi and Nathan, and a few other various highlights. We might not be able to go to dinner tonight, which would make me kind of sad. But it will leave me some extra time to do homework, which I have been stupidly neglecting.

Speaking of school... I think this will be my last quarter for awhile. Possibly ever, at this school. Not because I don't enjoy it, not because I don't want to succeed. I just don't think I was truly ready to take this on. I need to do a little more discovering on my own about what kind of designer I want to be, what kind of career I want to have, and what kind of person I am in relation to all that. I think if I tried working at my own pace for a little while, and focused more on my job, that might be healthy. You could look at it as giving up, but I know now this could be a healthier path for me. Not giving up at all- just changing directions. For a while the only thing that's kept me going is worrying about who I'm going to disappoint, when all the while I've disappointed myself. Does that make sense? I think so.

What I'd like to do in the near future as well, is actually follow through with one of my other dreams of selling my own art. I could sell it online on sights like Etsy, or possibly try some fairs or farmers markets in the area. I will do some more research, but I know this is something I'm capable of accomplishing. And a little extra money never hurt anyone. :)

Now I need to do homework. And make lunch. Oooh what a wonderful Sunday.

On a happier note

Going to American Apparel with Kristina. Retail therapy man.

I want to laugh/cry

Work was so incredibly nice this morning, it didn't even really feel like work. We were all laughing and singing ridiculous songs, and for the most part the customers were in a good mood. Maybe it's because it's friday. And sunny. And warm.

So of course when I get home, it just can't continue to be good. Nathan tells me his pay has been decreased, and his work load increased, and is considering taking back his promise of going to USC with me. He once again PROMISES me shit and just can't stick to it. I gave up my work hours for this.. it isn't fair. I don't think I have anyone else to go with, so if he decides not to come, I will be so incredibly angry. It sucks that he lost money, but he still makes a ton more then I do. I even offered to pay for his ticket.

UUUGH.

It's stupid

I spent all day feeling relatively pretty, because I spent a little extra time making my hair look nicer then it normally does, and wore a skirt to work with some nice pearls. I just felt like looking nice, y'know? I was excited to come home and hope Nathan noticed the little something extra... but I've been ignored for a video game since I got here. =/

I shouldn't care, but I guess I just feel super emotional today as it is. Don't know why, it just goes up and down. I'm the dumbest person ever sometimes. Dumb and average in just about every way. Uugh. :(

This weekend in words

Work. Sailing. Folk Life. Stress. Love. Star Trek (AGAIN :D). Coffee. Naps. Jelly Fish. Sun-shine. Hot dogs. Strawberries. Peace.

Altoid reminder.

Don't forget!!!

>:(

I really dislike the days where it would seem I don't exist.

Half-sleep

While I'm in a state of mental limbo, I figure it couldn't hurt to write a bit...


I'm somewhere between wanting a nap and wanting to grab coffee with somebody. But since it would seem most people are either busy at work or elsewhere right now, I'll probably opt to sleep for an hour or two.

Nathan is gone at a LAN tonight, and I'm grateful for the time apart. I love him, but sometimes are challenges are overwhelming and I need more space in order to figure them out. He's good to me; I know he's trying very hard to be the best boyfriend he can. But he's young, I'm young, and between the two of us there's still a great deal of immaturitiy that must be dealt with. There is one issue in particular that I don't know if we'll ever be able to hurdle over. It scares me, but I keep trying anyways.

Ugh. Aside from that...
The rest of today is fairly wide open. I can't decide if I'd prefer something really exciting to happen, or if I just want to loaf around and clean up the apartment. Both sound pretty appealing, actually. Another early morning tomorrow, so whatever the rest of today has in store, it just needs to be chill.
This or that. Everything's in halves right now.
I love/hate indecisiveness.

How lovely

Chanel got it right in their 2010 resort collection. Way better then what they did for fall..

Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine

Now I remember what it really feels like to love videogames again. :3

I bought an xbox game that has 30+ Sega Genesis games on it. Ah sweet nostalgia. =)




And now, time to try and focus. I've been slacking, I know. I need to get my ass back in gear.

Letdown

I'm not necessarily doing bad today. I'm just not all there.

I haven't had a free day in two weeks. It's possible I'm just the laziest person alive, but for me.. this is a bit much. My sleep is all messed up. All of my goals are slightly unorganized. I can't focus efficiently.
I'm a silent mess.

Had a bad episode last night. There are blood blisters all around my face today... it's humiliating, but in the way that no one else really notices what's going on. But I see it... and that's enough to make me unhappy. I know the tiny red marks will be gone tomorrow. But for now, they are a reminder of everything I hate about myself.

Now that I really look at it, maybe I am doing bad today. =/





But at least this weekend, there was Star Trek. Zachary Quinto, you are my Vulcan fantasy. >:D

Eh...

Well..
Hm.

I guess going to school this summer is looking a bit dismal. I ran out of loan money, and now.. it would seem.. I need to make some more money. Fancy that. It's not my ideal summer plan, but it's not the worst thing that could have happened. The worst thing that could have happened is me having to drop out. Which is, like I said, not happening.
So. Yay?

Blah. I hate this sluggish pace. All of my friends in school don't have to worry about this crap. Their parents were apparently smart with their money. I hate knowing that all I have to look forward to right out of school is a fuck ton of debt. Is it really worth it? Is it not possible to get a job in the industry without this schooling? I really don't know. I wish I had the answers, but a path needs to be blindly chosen, and I'm not going to wait around and worry about which one is ultimately right.

I just need to do shit. Basically.

Haha

I already have a nickname at my new store. They call me "Daria", like the chick on the old MTV show. Apparently I am just that dry and sarcastic.
I win at life.

Anti-idleness

Music for today:
Royksopp's Junior album
Iron and Wine's album, The Shepard's Dog
The soundtrack to Slumdog Millionaire
and whatever else my iPod decides upon in between.

I can't say I feel bad right now. I made two hats today.. they're pretty cute. Much better then my attempt last quarter. I just feel completely spent. Not having a free day between work and school just plain sucks. Being busy is better then being an idle pile of goo, though. But between homework, work work, class, and trying to keep this house in order... *head explosion*. Hopefully the busier I stay, the more accustom to it I will become. At least I don't feel guilty for doing nothing anymore. It's impossible to. I've never really felt like I was doing my absolute best until now.

Ohohoh, I think I might be going to Cozumel in September with Nathan's family. At least, he says if I can get my passport in order then I can go. :D
So I should probably do that. He's going to teach me to scuba dive! I've always wanted to. The ocean is just this mysterious, vast force of awesome. Like another world underneath us. I can't wait.

Oi

Starting to miss having a car. I should just suck it up and buy the jumper cables tomorrow. Since unreliable people seem to be... unreliable.

Already dreading getting up at oh, 3:30 tomorrow morning. I love that I have the rest of the day to just do whatever, but I don't think one ever gets used to waking up that early.

On the agenda for this weekend...
work work work
FIND CAT LITTER
do another painting
party with Alex and friends =)
Dinner with the family? I don't know when Chris and Paul get back...
I think that's it.

Still reflecting on a while back... I used to cry for one reason or another every single day. And not just little tears, I was always a total mess. I still have occasional downer days, but I get this feeling the tides are changing in my favor. I'm totally okay with that. It's been so long since I've felt even stable. Maybe it's finally -my- time.

When you're holding me, we make a pair of parentheses

I just realized how far I've come...

Tonight Nathan is gone doing some huge work project, and probably won't be home until like 1am. I haven't heard from him, and I think his phone died.

Merely two months ago I would have been freaking out by now... crumbling under my own insecurities. But now I can look at the situation logically and say to myself, "Cool, the house will be nice and quiet". It might sound really lame, but I can see that it's becoming easier for me to be independent. And better yet, I know we're absolutely fine. Better then fine, even. Hella good.

I guess I can say I still worry about him getting home safely late at night.. but I'm allowed that one. That's just being a good girlfriend.


Also, I just drank a really big glass of milk and now I feel kind of explode-y. But that's fine too.

Tunes

Downloading some new musics..
A Fine Frenzy, Meiko, and Ultre. I'm in a folk-y mood...

Ikea-fied

Our house is starting to look less like two empty rooms with boxes and miscellaneous crap. We finally got a dresser, some neat orange paper-y lamps, and even some cacti. Not that plants really fall into the furniture category, but I was starting to feel suffocated by all the white walls. Some extra life is helping.

I actually painted today. And even though the picture I did is kind of anatomically incorrect... I just adore it. o.o Yeah, it's weird. I don't enjoy bragging, and yet I have to. I made something that makes ME happy. And while I hope other people see it and think "hey that's pretty rad", it's not all that significant. Maybe I will post a picture, but it's way too big to fit in a scanner.. so it's likely a crappy photograph will have to do.

Mild annoyances that are hard to ignore right now: no money, still having huge difficulties with sewing, various little relationship misunderstandings.. you know. Same shit. Maybe I should have stayed later today and sewed more.. but I had to do something for me. I've been working my ass off for other people non-stop for the past few days, I had to get it out. I still feel guilty about it, though. I just can't seem to jump that hurdle of understanding when it comes to sewing. Truly maddening.

Oh, and I kind of need to work on making some friends here. Seattle is pretty amazing, but I'm guessing some of it's inhabitants are, too.

Finally

It's just right.