Worn out spaces

I don't know why I don't write here much any more. I think I only come back when I'm feeling generally directionless or concerned (and low and behold, it's one of those days).

I know right now, I'm kind of doing what some would consider to be a bad thing. That being- living for myself, my pleasure, my needs.. and not much else. Living selfishly. I know there are favors I still need to repay for my dad, I know I should call my grandma more often, I know I owe Nathan money.. but still I continue to live for basically just me. I don't know if it's because I think I deserve to live like this, or if I'm just too lazy to start helping out more and taking more responsibility for things. I'm obviously concerned about it, but will that change anything? I don't really know.

Maybe the saddest part is that I still don't really feel all that great. I feel like I life a half-assed life. I am passionate about some things, but not enough to really make myself go, "Wow Amanda, way to live up to your potential. High five. To yourself,". I always compile little lists of all the things I aspire to do, but they end up being written records of disappointment. How exactly does one remedy this? You'd think it would be an easy pattern to rid yourself of, but it really isn't.
Fucking apathy.

Big girl desicions with a little girl brain.

Right now, it would be unwise to try and force me into any particular direction. I promise you, you will push me away.

I just want to be, and have that be okay.
But apparently, it already isn't.


If someone truly loves you for who you are, then it's expected that it might be difficult for that someone to learn that you are changing. But shouldn't they still love you, regardless of if you are exactly what they expected you to be?
Maybe that's just a nice thought, and not much else.