Done with

Mediocrity.

Worn out spaces

I don't know why I don't write here much any more. I think I only come back when I'm feeling generally directionless or concerned (and low and behold, it's one of those days).

I know right now, I'm kind of doing what some would consider to be a bad thing. That being- living for myself, my pleasure, my needs.. and not much else. Living selfishly. I know there are favors I still need to repay for my dad, I know I should call my grandma more often, I know I owe Nathan money.. but still I continue to live for basically just me. I don't know if it's because I think I deserve to live like this, or if I'm just too lazy to start helping out more and taking more responsibility for things. I'm obviously concerned about it, but will that change anything? I don't really know.

Maybe the saddest part is that I still don't really feel all that great. I feel like I life a half-assed life. I am passionate about some things, but not enough to really make myself go, "Wow Amanda, way to live up to your potential. High five. To yourself,". I always compile little lists of all the things I aspire to do, but they end up being written records of disappointment. How exactly does one remedy this? You'd think it would be an easy pattern to rid yourself of, but it really isn't.
Fucking apathy.

Big girl desicions with a little girl brain.

Right now, it would be unwise to try and force me into any particular direction. I promise you, you will push me away.

I just want to be, and have that be okay.
But apparently, it already isn't.


If someone truly loves you for who you are, then it's expected that it might be difficult for that someone to learn that you are changing. But shouldn't they still love you, regardless of if you are exactly what they expected you to be?
Maybe that's just a nice thought, and not much else.

I'm a good person, I swear

I just do stupid shit sometimes. :(

And she saw that they were the color of opals, moss, and drool

Don't ask.


The past few entries have been pretty happy and/or lighthearted. This one is irritable. I seem to be in a state of personal limbo. I either don't know exactly what I want out of life, or I don't know how to get it. And seeing that I don't know which of those is the truth of the matter, I'm a bit frustrated. I seem to have no sense of direction, and yet I want to go in every direction.

I want to have that fun, chaotic Seattle lifestyle.. filled with mishaps and hilarity and friends. I want tattoos and art and coffee and music, in no particular order. I don't want to be sitting here at night, listening to Nathan type away.. not wanting any of these same things.

But then again, I probably just want too much. =/

Whyyy

I downed that coffee way too fast, and now I'm all shaky and icky.

HATE THAT.

Whoo.

I should probably feel like crap right now, but it's a beautiful day to be hung over.

The party at Jessie's was SO much fun.. and I can actually remember most of it, so that's a good sign.


Tom foolery aside, I can safely say I know there are some big changes on the horizon for me. I know this will come outwardly because I can already feel them inwardly. I know I'm the same basic person. I'm not afraid of turning into someone new.. or at least, I know it won't happen. But I am becoming increasingly ready to embrace more then I already am. This sounds vague, I know. But to write it down is helping me understand it a little better.


Time for to be workingz.