Capitol Hellian

Not really. But I do live on Capitol Hill now.

To summarize- shitty house with cheap rent, no money to speak of, working as much as possible. But when I come home (or to Glenn's house) every day exhausted, it's a happy, relived sort of exhausted. I'm no longer reliant on Nathan for food or money or anything. It doesn't seem like a milestone achievement, but I'm so much happier lately. I like having my own space again. Even if I'm not home very often.

Things have changed quite a bit since the last time I've written here. Nathan now lives by Uwajimaya, and is working on some really huge projects with his company. I saw him today, and he helped me collect the last of my things to bring to my new place. I'm glad we're still friends. We weren't right for eachother, but he's a good guy.

Tomorrow Glenn and I are going to Bellingham to visit his parents for his dad's birthday. I know the name "Glenn" is unfamiliar to this blog (unless I've ever written about our silly work antics.. oh how I miss them) but rest assured, he is quite wonderful. Every day I wake up smiling, thinking of whatever adventures we have planned for when I get off work (even if it's just watching cartoons and making dinner for eachother).

Life feels a bit directionless right now. But it's still really really good.

Time to go to 15th Ave Coffee (Secretly owned by Starbucks) for some amazing green tea and live music.

Did absolutely nothing today

BUT

I saw a lady with a cat she keeps in a stroller at Starbucks.
I watched a lot of youtube videos.
I sang.
I talked to friends.
I did some laundry.
And I took a shower.

So when you look at it that way... I still pretty much did nothing. I felt guilty about it for awhile, but now I'm over it.

Big thought bubble

I have a new career idea.

Details to come.

Alright then.

It's been months and months and months since I've written here. Alot has changed, some things haven't. I don't feel like re-capping everything though. Only the recent things.

Last night was okay. I enjoy the bar hopping evenings with Jess, Casey, Camber, Nathan, (and now David), but sometimes I'm still left wanting something more then a slight buzz and bar food. It's not the fault of my friends. They're all great, I've enjoyed getting to know them better. I must just be incredibly difficult to please. Or get bored really easily. I don't pretend to know what the answer is. But it was a night not spent alone or sad, so I guess that's good.

I was actually kind of grateful for some time alone today, though. It was my first day off since Thanksgiving..and I guess people can wear me out in large doses. I think I've just needed some extra time to think about what's to come. Or what should be coming. I'm fairly sure I know what I want to happen, I just don't know how to go about getting there. But I will, and that's the important part.

Hmm. What else.
Adam is a DOUCHE. Predictably so.
I have very little money.
I want way too much for Chirstmas. =/
I really want to actually start painting more again.
I'm going to Utah for Christmas again.
I'm addicted to that store Lush.
Our house is actually starting to look cute.
I'm wondering how long just working at Starbucks is going to cut it before I become really bored.

Maybe there's more, but that's all I felt like saying.

Done with

Mediocrity.

Worn out spaces

I don't know why I don't write here much any more. I think I only come back when I'm feeling generally directionless or concerned (and low and behold, it's one of those days).

I know right now, I'm kind of doing what some would consider to be a bad thing. That being- living for myself, my pleasure, my needs.. and not much else. Living selfishly. I know there are favors I still need to repay for my dad, I know I should call my grandma more often, I know I owe Nathan money.. but still I continue to live for basically just me. I don't know if it's because I think I deserve to live like this, or if I'm just too lazy to start helping out more and taking more responsibility for things. I'm obviously concerned about it, but will that change anything? I don't really know.

Maybe the saddest part is that I still don't really feel all that great. I feel like I life a half-assed life. I am passionate about some things, but not enough to really make myself go, "Wow Amanda, way to live up to your potential. High five. To yourself,". I always compile little lists of all the things I aspire to do, but they end up being written records of disappointment. How exactly does one remedy this? You'd think it would be an easy pattern to rid yourself of, but it really isn't.
Fucking apathy.

Big girl desicions with a little girl brain.

Right now, it would be unwise to try and force me into any particular direction. I promise you, you will push me away.

I just want to be, and have that be okay.
But apparently, it already isn't.


If someone truly loves you for who you are, then it's expected that it might be difficult for that someone to learn that you are changing. But shouldn't they still love you, regardless of if you are exactly what they expected you to be?
Maybe that's just a nice thought, and not much else.